Not sure if you’re a raging, entitled asshole in regard to wearing masks and prematurely reopening businesses? Here’s an easy way to check.
(Accompanied by pictures of famous assholes who were at least decent enough to wear a mask)
We're in Scenario #1, in which we know that adhering to social distancing is the most effective way of lessening the virus's spread, and thus saving lives. Based on this, what are your stances on social distancing measures?
Okay, remember that.
Now imagine a Scenario #2. Using some wibbly-wobbly science fiction involving DNA and magic, let’s say we invent a 100% cure for this thing.
When someone is vaccinated, we can reverse-trace the virus to everyone who passed it along before it got to that person getting the vaccine.
Once the whole world is vaccinated, that data is compiled.
You are delivered a list of every single person who got the virus because of you. This list includes the people who died as a result. Knowing this is going to happen, does that change your stance on social distancing measures now?
Keep going.
Scenario #3: The scifi voodoo gets even better and now it can determine the exact time and GPS coordinates for the virus passing from person to person. Each business owner gets a list of every single person who contracted that virus in their establishment, again including the people who died. Does this change your stance?
One more.
Scenario #4: What if you were held criminally liable for every name on your list? Every survivor counts as an aggravated battery felony, and every death counts as second-degree manslaughter, if it can be proven that you did not adhere to social distancing guidelines. Business owners are held similarly liable for criminal negligence. Does that change your stance?
Alright.
If your stance changed at all between Scenario #1 and Scenario #4, congratulations: you're an asshole. And you have to now wear a hat everywhere that admits you only care about other people's lives if you personally might be affected by their death.
(If you’re still against social distancing even *after* Scenario #4, then you are . . . just, like, a total garbage monster, and you should probably be arrested. How are you even reading this? There’s no way you’re actually literate, so please give the person reading this out loud to you a five second head start to get away from you. Ha ha just kidding, it didn’t really say that, you’re fine, Dan. I just have to step outside for a second . . .)
Nathan Makaryk is an author and comedian, follow him on Twitter to hear him complain about other stupid things.
His debut historical fiction novel NOTTINGHAM retells the legend of Robin Hood from viewpoints of multiple people on both sides of the conflict. Published by Tor/Forge, available here.
